


lotus

by grossnoona



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Rebounds, Unrequited Love, everyone else is kind of there??? but not as well, in an uncomfortable fashion, shit-tier angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 04:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21093644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: Lotus--they're a symbol of reincarnation.Chikage doesn't believe in such a flimsy thing. There's no concrete proof of it.“Wouldn’t it be nice to wish for a good next life, senpai?”“Wouldn’t it be nice to wish for a good next life, April?”Or at least, he strongly doesn't want there to be.





	lotus

**Author's Note:**

> Grossnoona here  
I just realise I could complete this really shitty fic that has been in my docs since _July_ (this is not a joke, I swear I can screenshot when I started this)  
I wrote an augapr?? itachika rebound bc chikage honestly would do smth as shitty as this esp w a roommate who looks like august  
Enjoy!!

“A lotus?” April pointed out.

It seemed the lounge was being filled with paper lotuses; from the coffee table to December napping on the couch. The cause of it, of course; August who seemed pleased by the sight of December sleeping covered in an array of colorful lotuses. He may be years older than December and April but he clearly can be more childish than one may perceive.

Strange man, April thought.

“Did you know in Buddhism, lotuses are a symbol of rebirth?” August bestows such a fact so suddenly. He balances a white paper lotus on December’s nose. Judging by how still their sleepy companion was, he’s been sleeping long enough to deem these actions as non-lethal although April is more worried about the mess they have to clean up before any higher-ups find them like this. August will surely whisk them away and explain that it was all for fun  _ as usual _ .

“Are you asking December to be reborn?”

“It’d be nice.”

April never quite understood the notion known as August sometimes. He watches the older fold paper delicately; as he creases the paper, he tells April about the meaning behind lotuses. How they are seen as pure, delicate and treated as spiritual symbols in different cultures and religions. How nice it must be to such an untainted flower, August would say as he neatly folds a part of the paper.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” August asks April who only looks at him strangely. Shaking his head, he receives a burst of erupting laughter from August. He gets cooed as innocence for stating reincarnation doesn’t quite exist or at least there is no scientific proof of it.

August shakes his head as he explains how such things like reincarnations don’t need  _ scientific proof _ to exist. He continues to say he believed in them and wonder what he’ll reincarnate into next when he passes away. Maybe he can reincarnate into something easy like a rock.

“You’re strange,” April calls August.

August laughs at him before finishing up the paper lotus.

“Maybe I am,” August says as he hands April a paper lotus; white just like December’s.

April and December never knew what to do with the paper lotuses August made for them. He never kept any of them, he insisted the younger two to keep them as a charm for later. Again, more unexplained things that left the two scratching their heads. They both believe till the end of time, they’ll never understand August even if the other bothered to explain himself.

“A lotus?” Chikage sees at the shoe cabinet when he arrives back to the dorm.

The entire lounge was filled with it, paper lotuses everywhere. Some beautifully crafted while some don’t quite look close to one but he could see some effort made to make it look like a lotus, not some crumpled up pieces of paper. He spots the younger troupe members huddling around the coffee table, each folding their own paper lotus.

Shouting among each other about how it should be done, wondering if they should have just printed out templates and laughing at each other’s tremendous failures. How lively and strange the younger ones were.

_ “Did you know, Egyptians used to believe lotuses were a symbol of rebirth?” _ Chikage hears Banri state such a fact. He balances a white paper lotus on Hisoka’s nose; much to everyone’s protest and surprise, Hisoka didn’t push it away at all. He continues to blissfully sleep as Banri laughs at how heavy of a sleeper the older was.

_ The scene felt uncomfortably familiar _ .

“Wasn’t it Buddhists who believed that lotuses were a symbol of rebirth?” Chikage corrected at Banri.

Banri had a quick retaliation to such a remark. He explained how Buddhism and Egyptians shared a similar belief in that stance. Things like reincarnations were prevalent in their stories so regardless both Chikage and Banri were right. Chikage was impressed at how informative the younger could be despite the obvious age-gap between the two.

_ “Do you believe in reincarnation?” _ Muku asks.

Everyone shares their own form of sentiment over such a question. Though varying, everyone seemed rather unsure. Some hoped it did while some outright stated that there was no proper way to know if someone was reincarnated or not. Chikage agrees on how there is no determining factor to showcase such a thing.

“ _ I don’t think there’s a need to prove something like reincarnation, senpai. _ ”

Itaru laughs at Chikage’s furrowed face. He notes how reincarnations could be real since dreams that open up to realistic scenes could be treated as recalling memories. Itaru continues to mention how believing in reincarnation isn’t a bad thing, he believes in them. He hums in wonder, hoping in his next life; he’s some sort of fictional character so he won’t have to worry about how his life should be since it’s determined by someone else.

Itaru picks up a white paper lotus amongst the batch made by the younger members and hands it to Chikage.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to wish for a good next life, senpai?” Itaru asks.

“I can never quite get someone like you, Chigasaki.”

“Well, isn’t that too bad?”

It's honestly a little terrifying, Chikage thinks as he watches Itaru laugh wholeheartedly as he ruffles Masumi's hair. He feels uncomfortable for connecting such dots as he watches dual-tone hair pass by him as he tells Sakyo to relax. It’s even more frightening as he recalls the scene that plays right before him. How disturbing. Chikage hates--no,  _ April hates it _ .  _ He hates it so much _ .

“ _ It’s all just for fun--no one is getting hurt by this so there’s no need to fuss over such things. _ ”

Sakyo looks at Itaru suspiciously before giving in, it seems today no one will receive an earful. Though, that’s what everyone sees, right? All everyone sees is Itaru jokingly annoy Sakyo, a superior, as the kids deem him not as annoying as normal. Few even ask what has gotten him in a good mood, Itaru laughs and says nothing much, to be honest.

“ _ It’s a harmless activity, I wouldn’t want to stop you from having fun _ ”

_ August said the same things. _

August laughed as higher-ups sighed in exasperation at the mess he made. He would jokingly gasp at the sight of December being surrounded by paper lotuses. Body underneath all those neatly folded paper lotuses, only his face isn’t. Just for the sake, he can breathe and everything. Though, August throws in a joke how he has never seen, read or heard of someone suffocating underneath a big pile of origami. To use December as a test subject if such a thing could ever happen, that’d be too rude to the younger. He rather not.

The way August leans against the couch, humming to himself. April wonders how someone like him can consistently be in a good mood despite the environment they live in. August must either be airheaded or likes to turn a blind eye on these kinds of things. The latter seems more likely, though.

Turn a blind eye. Why does he act like everything is alright? Does he just not care at all? April would be slightly frustrated at that fact. He disliked August in that small aspect. Just why do you always pretend like nothing bad happens when they’re consistently surrounded by these kinds of experiments?  _ Does August not care? _

“ _ When you’re an adult, you find that having emotions become meaningless--It’s not that I don’t care, it’s more like  _ ** _I can’t care_ ** _ . _ ”

Chikage hears Itaru say--it twists his stomach uncomfortably. The scene is almost identical; his body slumped against the couch, his head lolling a little before finally resting it against Hisoka’s knee. The scene that plays out, Itaru folding a small paper lotus and laughing how it looks a little shitty. Chikage hates the feelings he has.

“ _ Senpai, join us.” _

“ ** _April, join me._ ** ”

Chikage doesn’t know how to feel about these thoughts. He lies awake, wondering if it was even right to displace such feelings towards the younger. Chikage doesn’t know. Chikage doesn’t want to know. The answer lies nowhere. This kind of displacement is wrong, he knows. Yet, he can’t help it. He wonders why.

Wouldn’t Itaru feel grossed out if he ever found out about this? Chikage wouldn’t doubt it. It sounded realistic. Though, Itaru isn’t very realistic--he’s a man that spouts nonsense as if it was likely to happen.

“ _ Anything can happen _ .”

That’s a common phrase Itaru says, a smile tagged along with it. It’s annoying but to an extent, it’s charming. Childishly charming--that’s a way Chikage describes him. Reminds him a bit of August who is the same. Childishly charming--always wanting to do childish things but it’s done in such a way that sometimes Chikage is in awe of it. How pathetic. Chikage can’t believe himself.

Maybe--just maybe, it’s all those pent up feelings he has towards August.

Anger. Jealousy. Unrequited feelings. It’s a mess.  _ God _ ,  _ it’s such a  _ ** _big fucking mess_ ** _ . _ He’s pathetic. Jesus Christ, why does he have to do this?

It’s all because April gets twisted about July, isn’t it? July who August talks about like he’s someone ethereal. July who August  _ just loves _ lingering his warmth on the other. July who August quietly holds after late-night meetings. July who April can’t see what’s so great about.  _ July _ \--someone August was so  _ so  _ ** _so in love with_ ** .

April hates it so much but he could never admit it.

“ _ I think July is beautiful _ ,” August said once, December wrote the phrase off as August being a hopeless romantic. April couldn’t for some odd reason.

April could barely remember what the hell they’re doing but it’s not like it matters-- _ all that mattered was that bubbling jealous in the bottom of his stomach _ . All that mattered was April trying to ignore the gnawing feeling that wants to eat him whole. It’s a gross, ugly feeling that holds him down.

“ _ July _ ,” August breathes as he longs for the other.

April watches them talk, it’s a stupid feeling. April knows he’s too young to be falling for such a man--he’ll reject April sweetly obviously. Yet, that jealousy and love manifest in him. It’s in the form of small yearns for handholds and hugs. It’s in the form of April watching the older closely as December flops on him. It’s in the form of April’s foolish dreams that leaves him waking up in the middle of the night, bothered and slightly embarrassed for even thinking of the older in that way.

Right. That’s why his feelings towards July after August’s death just straight up turned bitter.

July never really cared, didn’t he? He never gave a damn about August, didn’t he? August was just foolishly _ , hopelessly,  _ ** _disgustingly_ ** in love with this man who couldn’t care less about reciprocating those same feelings. It was unfair, April thought as July walked past him to join a meeting.  _ It was so fucking unfair _ .

_ What does August see in you that made him love you instead of me? _

Is that why Chikage found his eyes following a different dual-tone boy? Is that why, for a minute, Chikage felt like he was in some alternative universe where he  _ might _ have a chance? Chikage isn’t so sure but he almost tripped over air, just seeing the other.

“_Chigasaki_ _Itaru_”

It’s so very different from  _ August _ which is hilariously obvious. Chigasaki Itaru, he laughs softly as Chikage points out how his entire name is filled with strange characters. What kind of family names their child,  _ climax _ . Though, that could be just Chikage thinking about the characters too seriously. Then again, how would he know? His name isn’t any better either.

Chigasaki Itaru--he’s somebody Chikage finds himself falling for unexpectedly.

Even after the mess he’s made in Mankai, Itaru sticks around. Itaru who disgustingly drags Chikage along because he doesn’t want to suffer alone. Itaru whose smiles and personality are deceivingly fake but yet, it doesn’t change the fact Chikage likes his  _ real self _ either. The outline of Itaru is far different from August. It definitely is. He loves those jagged, rough lines.

_ Then why is that he still sees August in the other? _

“ _ Masumi, come on--wake up _ .”

Chikage sees Itaru drag Masumi to school--something about how he’s  _ actually _ worried about the younger skipping school by oversleeping. Chikage hears Itaru laugh to himself as he mentions how he  _ really _ didn’t think he’d care so much over this sleepy brat. The way Itaru talks are different from August a little but the feeling of endearment is still the same. The way Itaru ruffles Masumi’s hair a little and tells him to not sleep in class, makes Chikage feel awkward.

“ _ Resting, even just a little bit, won’t kill you--your script can wait for you, I swear. _ ”

Chikage sees Itaru drag Tsuzuru by the collar to eat dinner. Though the younger claims he’s the least responsible adult in the entire dorm, he disproves himself by checking on all of his younger troupe members. The way he scolds Tsuzuru for wanting to starve to death so he can finish his script, it reminds him of August in a very strange way.

_ “April, your report won’t go anywhere! Now, eat!” August said as he grabs April by the ear, December snickering behind. August scolds April for having unbelievably bad habits when it comes to working. It’ll kill him one day--August doesn’t want that. _

It’s funny, he thought.

“ _ You’ve done a good job, Sakuya. _ ”

Chikage sees Itaru pats Sakuya’s head. He tells Sakuya to go to bed, it’s far too late to be holding his own practices anymore. Chikage watches Sakuya yawn as Itaru smile at him softly. He hears Itaru call Sakuya a growing boy; Sakuya needs the sleep more than Itaru.

Chikage has heard that phrase tons of times. He doesn’t have to callback such a memory. There are always his favourite ones. He knows enough that they’re just compliments on the mission--there’s no underlying message for him to figure out but he sometimes imagines like there is.  _ Even though, it’s hopeless for wanting to make such assumptions _ .

“Why so sad-looking, senpai?” Itaru asks, he’s already removing his jacket--probably so he can become one with the couch. You know, the typical Itaru routine.

Chikage scoffs, telling Itaru that he’s imagining things. If anything, he’s troubled by the superiors back at work. Demanding such impossible requests in such a limited time, he believes they’ve lost their heads. Itaru hums as he listens to Chikage complain.

Chikage wonders if he’s even listening.

“_I get that_ but it can’t have bothered you all week?”

Itaru claims a lot of things that he isn't. In this case, it’s definitely that one time he said that he is the dumbest man he’s ever met. That disproves it, obviously. Itaru is sharp. Undeniably sharp. It’s honestly annoying. Chikage hates how he feels stripped bare when he's met with Itaru's sharp gaze. The way he lifts his head to speak, Chikage hates how it seems like he's already merged the two together.

“So--”

“ _ I’m fine, Chigasaki--it’s none of your business _ .”

Chikage makes a lie that he needs a bath and leaves. He rather not. He rather not mention that all that’s been bothering him is how easy it is to merge Itaru and August together. He rather not mention that all that’s been bothering him is how easy it is to fall in love with Itaru, not because of Itaru himself but because he sees August in Itaru. He rather not mention that all he ever sees in Itaru is August.

He rather not mention that all he ever sees Itaru as is a  _ goddamn rebound _ .

If you’re Chigasaki Itaru, then it is too easy to corner Chikage. It’s just _too easy_. Chikage’s and Itaru’s lives are rather intertwined whether either of them liked it or not. It’s too difficult to escape the other’s grasp if they ever fought or anything. There are too many chances, Chikage won’t be able to escape Itaru even if he tried running away. While Itaru usually sits these kinds of situations out, he doesn’t this time.

“ _ Chikage-san _ .”

Itaru’s voice can be sharp and terrifying if he wants to. The way his face wears a rather tired expression and his voice coil tightly around Chikage’s neck--it’s hard to escape him. Itaru isn’t even touching him but Chikage flinches when Itaru approaches him. There’s a weird bubbling feeling in his stomach, it’s definitely not fear--it’s  _ something _ but Chikage isn’t so sure of it. All he knows, it appears only when Itaru is like this.

“ _ Chikage-san, you’ve been ignoring me--what’s going on? _ ”

Chikage doesn’t know how to explain himself. He can’t place the words properly. Itaru just stands there, watching his senior fumble and mumble pathetically. The words,  _ I like you _ , get choked out for some ungodly reason that Chikage cannot figure out. He expects Itaru to laugh at him but he doesn’t. No strings of words that might signal Chikage for being foolish to spill such awkward incomplete raw feelings.

All he hears and feels is a hum and a tug by the tie.

“ _ Could it be, senpai, you wanted this? _ ”

Itaru’s lips are soft. Unbelievably soft.

There’s a bit of a pop sound when their lips part. Chikage didn’t expect that to happen. Itaru laughs about how red Chikage’s face is. Chikage stutters, unable to come back to his usual composure. He can’t believe that Itaru could do such a thing so casually. He can’t believe Itaru can treat something intimate like kissing as a casual thing. Chigasaki Itaru is a goddamn madman, undeniably evil on top of that.

“ _ Well? Are you satisfied, senpai? _ ”

“ ** _Well, are you satisfied, April?_ ** ”

Chikage unexpectedly nods, asking for another kiss. Itaru fulfills that request, he tells Chikage to just ask if he ever wants another kiss.

It’s disgusting, he can’t believe he’s doing this. He feels satisfied as if he beat some sort of impossible level in a game.  _ Except, the game he’s playing is not the real one _ . Though it’s not August he’s kissing, he feels some weird form of closure when Itaru kisses him deep into the couch. He feels some weird form of satisfaction when he thinks about July. It's such a satire joke. July can’t take this August away now, can he? This August--he won’t look at July the same way as the previous one. Chikage can be sure of that.

“Remember when you told me you believed in reincarnation?”

Itaru stops his game and quirks an eyebrow. He asks why, he gets a little defensive--probably because Itaru believes in things that Chikage does not so their conversations turn into debates instead. Much to their dismay.

“I sometimes think you already are one.”

Itaru laughs.

“Whoever I was before this must have shit luck then-- _ this is the worst reincarnation ever. _ ”

  
_ Yea. The person before Itaru, he really did have shit luck _ .

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be honest, not even ik what's goin on w the fic at some parts skdjndjk  
its less idk whats going on more like why is he doing this stop delete this dont make him do this to itaru  
also i just stretched itaru a little for fun just out of fun  
nothing more  
but anyway, (tsumugi voice) did ur father hurt u??? do u have an electra complex??? chikagesan dont runaway from me--_answer the goddamn question_  
thank you for reading and I'm on twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan)


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